the Englishman to the boastful Scot: Take away your mountains,
glens and lochs, and what have you got? England,
replied the Scot.
are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean?
They found out that deep down, theyre really not so bad.
there were two Scots who bet a pound on who could stay under
water the longest. They both drowned.
was in London wearing his tartan when a curious lady asked if
there was anything worn under the kilt.
'No madam,' he replied with a flourish. 'Everything is in perfect
Sandy was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside
Anything I can get you, Sandy?
Have ye no a last wish, Sandy? Faintly, came
the answer. . . a wee bit of yon boiled ham.
Wheesht, man, said Maggie, ye ken fine thats
for the funeral.
did the Grand Canyon come about?
Scotsman lost a sixpence.
Kirkcaldy undertaker sent a telegram to the bereaved man, telling
him his mother-in-law had died and asking whether he wanted
her embalmed, cremated, or buried. Back came the reply: All
three tak nae chances.
do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?
Take up a collection.
dead. He fell into a vat of whisky.
What a shame. Was it a quick death?
I dont think so. He came out twice to go to the
following was seen on a poster in Argyll:
DRINK IS YOUR ENEMY.
Adjacent to this was another poster which said:
LOVE YOUR ENEMY.
you hear about the last wish of the henpecked husband of a houseproud
Edinburgh wife? He asked to have his ashes scattered on the
was a terrible winter three months of unbroken blizzards.
McTavish hadnt been seen in the village for weeks, so
a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the
head of the glen. It was completely buried only the chimney
McTavish, they shouted down the chimney. Are
Whas that? came the answer.
Its the Red Cross, they called.
Go away, shouted McTavish. I bought a flag
there was the Inverness man who bought his mother-in-law a chair
but had to send it back. He had nowhere to plug it in.
The local train stopped at a station long enough for the passengers
to stretch their legs.
Sniffing the pure, clean air with appreciation, a passenger
said to the guard: Invigorating, isnt it?
No, he replied. Inverurie.
minister was sharing a rail compartment with a Scot the worse
of drink, who insisted on talking.
Please dont speak to me, said the minister.
Drunk? replied the Scot. Youre worse
than me youve got your collar on back to front.
times Jessie brought Sandy to the manse, hoping to be made man
and wife, but each time the minister refused because of the
Why do you persist in bringing him to me in such a state?
asked the minister. Please, Reverend, explained
Jessie, hell no come when hes sober.
went into a shop to buy a pocket knife. Heres the
very thing, said the shopkeeper, four blades and
Tell me, said Jock, you havent one with
four corkscrews and a blade, have you?
Aberdonian was ill with scarlet fever. Send for my creditors,
he said. I can give them something at last.
was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for
the comfort of his passengers.
He called down: Is there a mackintosh down there big enough
to keep two young lassies warm?
No, skipper, came the reply, but theres
a MacPherson willing to try.
hear youre a great believer in free speech.
I am that, Angus.
Well, do you mind if I use your phone?
was like this, said Donald. I was teaching the wife
to drive, and the brakes failed when we came down the hill.
What did you tell her?
Try and hit something cheap!
woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island
after a shipwreck. Their clothes were in rags and their food
I suppose it could always be worse, said the woman.
Oh, aye, it could, agreed the Aberdonian. I
might have bought a return ticket.
complaints? asked the prison governor.
Aye, replied Sandy, the walls are no built
An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly
about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the
Youll find, he said, a great number
of Scots half-breeds and French halfbreeds, but you cannot
find any English half-breeds.
Not surprisingly, shouted a Scot in the audience.
The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.
A young man was at a party in Scotland fully dressed in his
native kilt, every male there was. He had been dancing with
several young ladies, but none of them had really interested
him. But, there was one girl who he had noticed that he wanted
in the worst way. He was shy however and did not have the nerve
to ask. Just as the last song was coming on Jill, the girl he
fancied, came over and asked him, "Would you like to dance
Thoroughly pleased the young man responded, "Aye, how could
She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."
After they danced the last dance Jill asked him, "Would
you like to walk me home?"
The boy was so pleased he eagerly responded, "Aye, how
could you tell?"
She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."
When they reached the girls house she calmly asked him, "Would
you like to come in and sleep with me?"
He was so excited, he really was curious this time, "Was
it the gleam in my eye?"
Jill responded, "No the wee tilt in your kilt."
A police officer pulls over a Scottish man who's been weaving
in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the man's window and
says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an
asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to
give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,
I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also
a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
you hear about the two Scotsmen who were stopped by the police
for being drunk and disorderly? It turned out that the first
had been drinking battery acid and the second had been swallowing
One was charged and the other was let off.
American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside
and on the way out he asked a local farmer for directions:
Excuse me dude could you possibly tell me the quickest
way to London?
The farmer said: You driving or walking, lad?
The American replied: Driving.
The farmer nodded, saying:
Yup, definitely the quickest way
American visitor to Lindores Abbey was being shown round by
the abbot when a monk shouted out 64!
All the other monks roared with laughter.
Another then called out 15! again much laughter.
Whats going on? asked the visitor.
They know each others jokes inside out said
the abbot. So rather than tell them each time, theyve
numbered them. If one calls out a number, they think of the
joke and laugh. Have a go...
The visitor called out 45! and there was a small
ripple of polite laughter.
Im afraid, said the abbot, thats
not very funny. Try again.
So, the visitor called out 56! and there was uproar.
Must have been a good joke, he said.
Yes, said the abbot wiping his eyes. And weve
never heard it before.
many Scottish social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they form a self help group called:
How to cope with life in the dark.
do you call a Scots woman with one leg?
can always tell a Scotsman
but you cant tell him much.
This tale concerns the Scottish poet, Thomas Campbell. Campbell, when a young man, was on a walking tour in the South of Scotland and met a very stormy spell of weather in the midst of the Lowther Hills. He made for the nearest inn and, after a hearty meal of ham and eggs, he got himself to bed. It was a wild wet night, but the inn was dark and cosy, and the young Scottish poet lay musing upon his latest poem. Suddenly there came a gentle tap at the door and the dainty little serving lass, shading a candle with her hand, slipped quietly into the room. She crept up to the bedside table and smiling shyly, whispered, "Sir, could take another into your bed ?" "With all my heart," breathed the young poet. "I thank you, sir," said the young lass, "for Johnny MacGrizzle, the Moffat cattleman, has just arrived, soaked to the skin." And that is supposed to have suggested to Campbell the title of his next volume, The Pleasure of Hope.
many Scottish managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to notice that it needs changing, one to prepare a
budget, one to sign it off, one to order it from supplies and
one to tell their secretary it needs replacing.
Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door
is open." This is not a phrase we scotsmen normally use
so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your
fly is open."
zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got
in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about
his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little
fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When
you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier
standing in there at
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't.
All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!
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