Scottish Jokes and Quips

Rainbows come out of raindrops.
To know joy, you must know sorrow.

Sandy had a fish and chip shop opposite the bank. Late one night a fellow came in and said, " Could you possibly lend me $5. I'm really stuck."
" Sorry, " said Sandy, " I couldn't possibly do that because of an arrangement I've got with the bank."
" What arrangement is that ? " said the man.
" They don't sell fish and chips and I don't lend money." replied Sandy.

" Well, " said the Englishman to the Scot, as they got off the train, " it's been a very long and tiring journey."
" Yes, " said the Scot, " and so it should be, for what the fare cost."

A modest Scotsman, in speaking of his family, said: " The Douglas family is a very, very old Scottish family. The line runs back into antiquity. We don't know how far back it runs, but it's a long, long way back, and the history of the Douglas family is recorded in five volumes. In about the middle of the third volume, in a note in the margins, it reads, " Around this time the world was created."

The thrifty Scot wandered into .the pharmacy. " I'm needing 10 cents worth of your best laudanum, " he announced.
" What for ? " asked the pharmacist suspiciously.
" For 5 cents, " responded the Scot at once.

Minister - " Now, MacDonald, why don't you fight against your longing for whisky ? When you are tempted, just think of your wife at home. "
MacDonald (thoughtfully ) -" When the thirst is upon me, I am absolutely devoid of fear."

Sandy met Donald, an old friend, after the passage of some years, and the following conversation took place: "I've been married since I last saw you, Donald."
" Married, Sandy, " that's good.
" Oh, not so good, Donald, she was a terrible scold."
" Married to a scold, you say ? That's very bad Sandy."
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She had lots of money."
" A wife with money. Sandy ! That's very, very good."
" Oh, not so good, Donald, she was very thrifty with it."
" A wife with money. Sandy. And very thrifty with it. That's not good."
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She built a house with it."
" A house of your own, Sandy. That's very fine."
" Not so fine, Donald. The house burned down."
" The new house built with your wife's money burned down. Sandy ? That's very bad for sure ! "
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She was in it! "

The Scottish beggar shambled over, holding out his hand. " Please give a poor old blind man a dime, sir."
" But you can see out of one eye."
" Then make it a nickel."

The three finest sights in the world: a field of ripe wheat, a ship in full sail, and the wife of a MacDonald with child.

Some folks' minds are like the wind in a winter's night. Some people's thoughts add little to the situation.

Sandy came home after an absence of several years and looked up his former sweetheart. He found that she had not yet married, and sweet memories began to surge through his romantic Scottish brain. " Oh, Mary, " Sandy sighed softly, " you are just as pretty as you ever were, and I have never forgotten you."
" And you. Sandy, " Mary cried, with moisture in her eyes, " and you. Sandy, you are just as big a liar as ever you were, and I believe you just the same as I ever did."

Donald - " When I get up in the morning, you are first in my thoughts, darling."
Fiona - " Yes, but Sandy says that too."
Donald - " Well, what if he does ? I get up before him."

Maggie - " Sandy, I cannot marry you, as I do not love you, but I will be like a sister to you."
Sandy - " Fine. How much money do you think our father is likely to leave us ? "

Doctor - " What was the most you ever weighed ? " Sandy-11182 pounds."
Doctor - " And what was the least you ever weighed ? " Sandy - " 8 1/4 pounds."

" You've already had leave, MacDonald, to see your wife off on a journey - for your mother-in-law's fimeral - for your child's christening - what is it now ? "
" I'm going to get married, boss. "

Sandy called the stationmaster. " I left a bottle of malt whisky on the train this morning, " he said, " Was it turned in to the lost and found department ? "
" No, " said the master, " But the man who found it was."

" Tell me, officer how far ish it to Edinburgh Castle ? "
" Twenty minutes walk. " " For you ( hie ) or for me ? "

Sandy was brought before the court in Inverness, accused of selling whisky without a license. " Look at this man, " his lawyer said to the jury, " Do you honestly think if he had a bottle of the finest malt whisky he would sell it ? "
The jury took one look and found him not guilty.

" Ah, Fiona, drinking makes you look so bonny."
" But Sandy.I don't drink."
" But I do."

Dr. MacGregor was trying very hard to convince Sandy to quit drinking. " Ever notice the thistle plant" " he asked. " If you pour water around its roots it thrives and grows bigger and bigger. Take the same thistle. Pour vile whisky on it and see what happens ? It shrivels, it shrinks, it dies. Doesn't this teach you anything ?"
" Yes, " said Sandy. " If you want a thistle growing in your stomach, drink water. "

A nod is a good as wink to a blind horse.

A minister rushed down to the train station every single day to watch the Flying Scotsman go by. There was no task he wouldn't interrupt to carry out his daily ritual. Members of his congregation deemed his eccentricity, juvenile and frivolous, and asked him to give it up. " No. " he said firmly. " I preach your sermons, teach your Sunday School, bury your dead, marry you, run your charities. I won't give up seeing the Flying Scotsman train every day. I love it. It's the only thing in this town I don't have to push. "

Donald, " I never have any trouble with back seat drivers."
Sandy, " What do you drive ? "
Donald," A hearse."

Donald and his smarter brother Sandy were running a ferry service to one of the Hebridean Islands. One day it was very stormy and the boat tossed about violently on the giant waves. " We'll sink, we'll sink ! " wailed Donald. " Quick, then, collect the fares, " shouted Sandy. " Otherwise we'll all be drowned before they've paid."

" I hear McDougal left over a hundred thousand dollars when he died, " said McNab. " McDougal didn't leave that money, " said McTavish, " he was taken from it."

A wealthy Scotsman woke up one morning to find that his wife had passed away in the night. He jumped from his bed and ran, horror-stricken, into the hall. " Mary, " he called downstairs to the general servant in the kitchen, " come to the foot of the stairs, quickly ! "
" Yes, yes, " she cried. " What is it ? What is it ? "
" Boil only one egg for breakfast this morning ! "

Sandy, the Mad Scotsman, joined a golf club and was told by the professional that if his name was on his golf-balls and they were lost, they would be returned to him when found. " Good, " said Sandy, " put my name on this ball." The pro did so. " Would you also put Mad Scotsman Books after my name ? " said Sandy. The pro obeyed " And one more thing, " said Sandy. " Can you please squeeze on ' 450 South 20th Street West, Billings, MT 59102 as well?"

A Scotsman, not feeling as well as usual, called on the family doctor The doctor, after looking him over, prescribed a bottle of pills to be taken, one before each meal; also a bottle of whisky, to be taken as a tonic - a small glass after each meal. The patient was to call again in a few days. The fourth day later, the Scotsman called on the doctor again, stating that he was feeling no better. The doctor, after looking him over again, asked him if he had been taking the pills regularly. The Scotsman said: " Well, doctor, I might be a little behind with the pills, but I'm six weeks ahead with the whisky."

The man who invented slow motion movies got his idea while watching a Scotsman reach for a restaurant check.

If you can't see the bottom, don't wade.
Don't go into a venture if you can't see your way through.

Andrew Carnegie, one of Scotland's most famed sons, was once interviewed by a reporter who asked him how he had managed to amass such a large fortune. " Well, it's a long story, " he said, " and since we have no need of light while I'm telling it, let me first blow out the candle."
" I don't think you need to tell me any more than that" said the reporter.

MacPherson bought a new mousetrap but when he got home he was annoyed to find that he had no cheese left. He had the brainwave of cutting out photo of a piece of cheese from a magazine and putting it in the trap. Next morning he examined the trap and found it contained a photo of a mouse.

Donald: " Do you think your advertising has done you any good ? " Sandy: " Yes indeed Why only the other day I advertised for a night security guard and that very night my store was robbed."

Fiona, " What happened to that dopey blonde your husband used to run around with?"
Mary, " I dyed my hair."

In a remote part of the Highlands a number of small farms had been supplied with electricity. The head accountant of the power company noticed that the bills seemed to be for minimal charges, barely coming to more than a few dollars per month So he went out to investigate, perhaps suspicious that the Highlanders were somehow cheating the system. " Don't you use electric power much " an old couple were asked?
" Not much, but every day." was the reply.
" What do you use it for " asked the man from the Power Company.
" It's very handy in the early evening. We put on the electric light to help us see to light our oil lamps." came the reply.

A Scottish minister was about to baptize a baby. Turning to the father, he inquired, " His name please ? "
" William Wallace Watt Sandy McLeod."
The minister turned to his assistant and said, " A little more water, please."

Donald - " Sandy has been married for 5 years and yet still has no child."
Hamish - " That's very true. I wonder is that hereditary in his family or hers."

Men are like bagpipes, no useful sound comes out of them until they're full.

Return to Scottish Jokes