Scottish Jokes Index

Scottish Jokes

It was a hot summer afternoon in a small Scottish village, and all the men were pursuing their favourite hobby - drinking whisky in the pub. Suddenly, the door bursts open and a man comes in panting, his tongue lolling and totally black.
"What happened Mac?" enquired one of the regulars. "Well," said Mac, "a bottle of whisky fell on the hot tar road."

Q. How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 21! One to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.

A tourist is on a walking holiday in the Scottish highlands. It's a misty day and, his mind having been on other things, he realizes he is hopelessly lost. It's late in the afternoon and he's desperate to find a village with a pub, where he can have a drink and stay the night. Luckily, after about half an hour, he spies a passer-by, who turns out to be a local who agrees to show him the way. They set off at a brisk pace. They pass a beautiful, though clearly quite recently planted, forest.
"D'yer see those trees?" asks the guide, " I planted all of them. And d'yer think I'm called Jock the Forester? Am I hell."
A little later, they pass a really pretty, finely built cottage.
"D'yer see that cottage over there?" asks the man again. "I designed and built it all on my own. And d'yer think I'm called Jock the Builder? Am I hell."
Further along, with the village just in view, they pass a fine looking garden surrounded by some magnificent railings. "D'yer see those railings?" asks the man. "I forged them all by myself. And d'yer think I'm called Jock the Blacksmith? Am I hell." "But" he continued, "you hae sex with just one sheep only once......."

When I visited Scotland, I was walking across the glen when I saw a man holding a sheep with its back legs planted in his Wellington boots. "Are you shearing that sheep?" I asked. "Nay! laddie!" he replied. "Get yer own."

Almost immediately after he'd arrived in a remote Scottish village, the American journalist noticed a curious shortage of women. Walking into the village pub, he asked one of the locals, "What do you guys do around here for romance?" "Ye mean women?" asked the highlander. "We've none here. Around here, folks f**k sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the journalist. "I've never heard of such moral degradation." However, after a few months, the journalist was feeling sex-starved and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterwards, he escorted his four-legged lover to the pub for a drink. As the journalist and his woolly friend entered the pub, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many disapproving stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the journalist yelled. "You've been fornicating with sheep for years, but when I do it, you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert." One highlander at the back of the crowd spoke up, "Ay, laddie, but that's the chieftain's girlfriend ye've got theer."

A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and he calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The Scotsman doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The Scotsman hangs up the phone and gives the matter some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and he load them into the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and he proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods again. He spends all day having sex with the sheep and, upon returning home, falls into bed exhausted.
The next morning, he's unable even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "Nae," she says, "they're all in the lorry and one of them's honking the horn."

The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were several hundred delegates attending. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question: "Which of you has had the occasion to see a ghost?" About 40 people raised their hands and the speaker asked them, "Which of you has had the occasion to speak with a ghost?"
This time about 30 delegates raised their hands. The speaker then posed a third question, "Which of you has had the occasion to have actually touched a ghost?" in answer to which about ten hands were waved about. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered yet another query, "Which of you has had the occasion to have sex with a ghost?"
In the far corner of the auditorium a lone hand was raised. The speaker then said, "Would the usher please escort that individual, with his hand raised, to the podium? I simply must enquire further."
After a few moments delay the individual, who incidentally turned out to be a wee Scotsman in full kilt and highland regalia, was brought forward to the stage. When the Scot arrived at the podium, the speaker asked him, "Well, Sir, tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost," to which the man replied, "Ghost? Laddie, I thought ye said goat."

Two English ladies were discussing their holiday plans in a teashop. At the next table sat a nice little Scots lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year" said the first English lady. "Oh! You shouldn't do that" said her friend "there are hordes of Scots there. It'll be awful!"
"Dear me!" her friend replied "And where will you be going?"
"Salisbury."
"But Salisbury is simply crawling with Scots!" the first lady objected. At this point the dear little Scots lady could hold her tongue no longer. "Why don't ye both go tae hell" she suggested "There'll be no Scots there!"

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran towards the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said,
"No, that's okay, you can keep the egg."

Q. What's the difference between a Scotsman and an Englishman?
A. If you let a cow loose in their front gardens the Englishman will moan to his wife: "Come here quickly and help me get rid of this horrible cow that is ruining my beautiful lawn."
The Scotsman will call to his wife saying; "Come here quickly! There's a cow on the grass and it needs milking."

Farewell to Scotland: The entire family were at Glasgow Airport to see Donald, Fiona & the children off to Australia. Donald thought it a good idea to get a photo of the occasion as a keepsake. They asked a fellow traveller to take the picture with Donald's old camera. The family stood still for what seemed like a lifetime. They were getting a bit fidgety:
Fiona says " What's taking so long Donald?? "
Donald "Well love, he's got to focus first"
Fiona " What, all of us!!!"

Return to Scottish Jokes