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Scottish Jokes and Quips

There's nothing worn under a Scotsman's kilt
- it's all in perfect working order.

Young Flora Simple of Edinburgh was visiting a small Scottish croft in the North West Highlands of Scotland. She had praised her hostess for her butter and cream, and had been told that these were easy to provide as they kept a cow. She praised the ham as well, and Flora was told that, of course they kept a pig. flora began to see the light, so when clover honey appeared at tea time she showed how she had gained knowledge of the economics of crofting by pointing to the honey, and remarking, "I see you keep a bee."

Sandy and Donald went into their local pub in great good humor and ordered two large whiskies.
" Are you lads celebrating something ? " asked the bartender. "
We certainly are, " said Sandy. " We've just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time. A hundred pieces it had, and it only took us six months."
" Six months 9 But that's quite a long time, " said the bartender.
" I don't think so, " said Donald. " It said on the box, three to five years."

An oilman was sent to Stomoway on the Isle of Lewis on a month's contract. He arrived from Texas on a gray, cloudy, rainy day. He woke up the next morning to find it was gray, cloudy, raining. The next day it was the same, and the next. On the day after that, as he came out of his room to find it was gray, cloudy and raining, he saw a small boy passing and said in exasperation, " Does the weather ever change here ? "
" I really don't know, " said the child. " I'm only six years old."

The Scots invented golf, and also good malt whisky.
If weary when the first is played,
The second keeps them frisky.

Sandy was learning to play the bagpipes. One night, while he was strutting about the room, piping for all he was worth, his wife attempted a mild protest.
" That's an awful noise your making, " she said.
Sandy sat down and took off his boots; then got up and resumed piping in his stockinged feet.

Young Sandy had been out for the evening with his best girl. When he arrived home he found his father sitting up waiting for him. The old man looked up and shook his head. " Have you been out with that girl again ? " he asked.
" Yes, dad, " replied young Sandy. " Why do you look so worried ? "
" I was just wondering how much the evening cost. "
" No more than $5, dad."
" Well, that wasn't too bad."
" It was all she had, " said Sandy.

" Is there any truth in the report that Sandy has bought the Gas station ? "
" Well, I don't know for sure, but the Free Air signs have been taken down ! "

Donald: " Wouldn't it be fun to go to the Holy Land and stand on Mount Sinai and shout out the Ten Commandments."
Wife: " It would be better if you stayed home and kept them."

After his barn bumed down, a wily Scots farmer put in an insurance claim. The agent who came around to inspect the damage and settle the claim tried to sell the farmer some more insurance.
" Are you covered against cattle theft ? And what about floods ? "
" Floods, eh ? " said the farmer. " That's very interesting. How do you set about starting a flood ? "

A performing arts group went on tour of one of the isolated Scottish islands. One day, one of the actors phoned a friend in the city of London. " How are things ? " his friend asked.
" Terrible, " said the actor. " Last night we had two sheep in the hall."
" What did the audience have to say ? "
" They were the audience."

How do you get a Highlander onto the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.

Donald and his smarter brother Sandy were running a ferry service to one of the Hebridean Islands. One day it was very stormy and the boat tossed about violently on the giant waves.
" We'll sink, we'll sink ! " wailed Donald.
" Quick, then, collect the fares, " shouted Sandy. " Otherwise we will all be drowned before they've paid."

Why do pipers march when they play ?
To get as far away from the noise as possible.

Unsuccessful golfer to Scottish caddie:
" You must be the worst caddie in the entire world." Caddie to golfer: " That would be just too much of a coincidence."

Three Scotsmen were in church one Sunday morning when the minister made a strong appeal for some very worthy cause, hoping that everyone in the congregation would give at least one dollar or more. The three Scots became very nervous as the collection plate neared them, and then one of them fainted and the other two carried him out.

Sandy' - " I want a very cheap coat-hanger. "
Clerk - " Yes, sir, 5 cents."
Sandy - " 5 cents ! Is there nothing cheaper ? "
Clerk - " Yes, sir, a nail."

" Do you know why the Scots are so brave ? "
" Why ? " " They play the, pipes going into battle and would rather die than have to listen to them."

Mrs. MacDonald was very sick. The only light in the room, coming from a tiny candle, showed the pallor of her white complexion. " I don't think I'll make it through the night, " she said to her husband.
" I have got to get back to work, " he replied. " But if you feel yourself slipping, be sure to blow out the candle."

Then there was this Scotsman who needed money so badly he had to take some out of the bank!!!

A Scot was describing a frightful moment to his old friend, saying, " There was I in the water. I was going down for the second time. The water kept pulling me down, and I went under for the third time. Just then, my whole life flashed in front of me. It was one picture after another."
His friend said, " Did one of them happen to show you borrowing $5 from me ten years ago ? "

Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbors.

" That man cheats, " cried Sandy as he entered the clubhouse. " He lost his ball in the rough and played another ball without losing a stroke."
" How do you know he didn't find it ? " asked a friend.
" Because I've got it in my pocket." replied Sandy.

After his examination Sandy said to his doctor, " Tell me the truth ! Am I going to get better ? "
" Of course you are ! " said the doctor. " You're going to get better if it costs you every penny you've got."

Have you heard of the famous sign on a Scottish golf course ? Members will refrain from picking up lost golf halls until they have stopped rolling.

A young man was looking for Sandy's daughter's hand in marriage. Sandy asked him, " Would you still marry my daughter if she didn't have any money ?"
" Yes I would, sir ! " replied the young man eagerly.
" Then away with you, " said Sandy. " There are enough fools in this family already."

Why are so many Scottish churches circular ?
So nobody can hide in the comers during the collection.

Don't test the depth of the river with both feet.

Don't commit everything to any one venture.

The Scottish minister was in full flight on one of his hell-fire and brimstone sermons. " When the day of judgment comes." thundered the old minister, " there will weeping and gnashing of teeth."
" What about me ? " interrupted one of his congregation. "I've lost all my teeth."
Roared the minister, " Teeth will be provided."

Sandy used to say he was a grand judge of a glass of whisky - and a merciless executioner.

How do you take a census in Scotland ?
Throw a dime in the street.

Have you heard about the two Scottish burglars who were arrested after a smash and grab raid? They were caught when they went back for the brick.

Why are there so few opthamologists and so many dentists in Scotland ?
A person has only two eyes, but thirty-two teeth.

A Scottish breakfast:
A pound of steak, a bottle of whisky and a large dog. The dog is there to eat the steak.

What's a sure sign of summer ? When a Scotsman throws his Christmas tree away.

This Scot who had emigrated and spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend back in Scotland. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle - Whooee da Whoee! - but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit - but, only a glancing blow - and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's cottage attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small." American: "

In Scotland, the men eat oatmeal; here in America we feed it to our horses."
Scot: " That's why American horses and Scottish men are the finest in the world."

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