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Scottish Jokes and Quips

The mosquitoes, or Midges, as they are known in Scotland may have caused the jumping that developed into Scottish Country Dancing.

It was a grave matter in the old days in Scotland to hear of anyone, that they had "taken to their bed." It was normally a sign of impending death. The Scottish doctor never loitered by the wayside when he heard these ominous words. One wild October evening, Dr. Findlay got a message from a Perthshire farm that Flora MacDonald, the maid, had "taken to her bed." He knew Flora to be an honest lass, and quickly packed his bag and set out for the farm. He was soon shown to the room where Flora lay.
"Well, Flora," he asked, "what is wrong with you ?"
"I am just as you see me Doctor," was her reply.
Dr. Findlay looked at her tongue, felt her pulse, and surveyed her with an experienced eye. There seemed to be nothing wrong with her. She was a beautiful Scottish woman, apparently in glowing health. At last, in reply to his many searching questions, she blurted out, "It's this way, Doctor, I have not been paid any wages for the past six months, and I am going to stay in bed until I am paid my dues."
To Flora's surprise the doctor slipped off his overcoat and jacket.
"What are you going to, doctor ?" she asked, in alarm.
"Move over Flora, move over. I am going to lay beside you. They haven't paid any bills of mine for the past three years !"

When Sandy was still at school, he once brought home a note which said, " We had thought Sandy had reached rock-bottom. But he has started digging."

Dr MacDonald of Edinburgh was famous for his bedside manner and his ability to reassure patients. Calling on one of his patients one day, he said, " I have bad news and very bad news. Which would you like to hear first ? " The patient gulped. " The bad news first."
" Well, " said the doctor, " You have only one day to live."
" If that's the bad news, " gasped the frightened patient, " what can the very bad news possibly be ? "
" I should have told you yesterday."

A man returned to his native town in Scotland after having been in Montana for twenty years. He was greeted at the airport by his brother, who had a beard down to his knees. The returning Scot asked, " What are you doing with the long beard ? "
The bearded brother said, " When you left, you took the razor with you ! "

The Scot told his wife, " Make sure you take off your new glasses when you're not looking at anything."

An Englishman became angry when the conversation consisted of nothing but jokes about the Scots, saying, " You'd think the Scots were the only race on Earth ! Why don't you tell a joke about an Englishman ? "
Sandy replied, " I'll tell you why. It's hard enough being an Englishman without making a joke about it! "

Winters a fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker. Noticing, however, that the worker wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, " Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you ? "
The farm worker replied, " They are a thing of beauty."
" Why don't you wear them then ? "
The worker explained, " I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him."

It was a great party. The Italian brought the wine. The Englishman brought a roast beef. The Frenchman brought onions. The Scot brought his brother.

A Scots golf pro, after ten years of retirement, went back to the game. He found his ball!

There was a collection going on. As the band played hymns, young girls went around collecting money. One came to an old Scot and asked, " Could you give a penny for the Lord ? "
The Scot said, " How old are you ? "
" Sixteen, " she replied.
" Well, I'm ninety. " the old Scot replied, " And as I'll be seeing him before you, I'll hand it to him myself."

" Don't take your trouble to bed with you," was the doctor's advice to a very nervous Scotsman.
" But doctor, " he replied, " my wife won't sleep alone."

During an excursion to the Isle of Lewis, the weather turned cold and rainy and the passengers huddled together for warmth. The boat captain shouted down to the crew's quarters. " Is there a mackintosh down there large enough to keep three ladies warm?"
" No, " came the booming answer, " but there's a MacPherson who'd sure like to try. "

Highland Church
Sign Going to heaven ?
Get Your Flight Instruction Here.

Not knowing what's ahead makes for an exciting climb.

Sandy and Donald, two highland vagrants, were brought before a judge for vagrancy. " So where do you live ? " asked the judge.
Sandy said, " My home is everywhere, the highlands, the lowlands, the rivers, the mountains, the glens......"
" What about you ? " said the judge to Donald, " where do you live ? "
He said, " I live next door to him!"

Sandy went down to the airport to pick up his tired friend Hamish. When he got there Hamish was terribly upset. He said, " I lost the best part of my baggage on the way here."
" Did you misplace it on the plane or was it stolen ? " asked Sandy.
" No, " said Hamish," the cork came out."

" Sandy, you promised to be home at two o'clock this afternoon and now it's after six."
" Bonny Wife, please ! My best friend Donald is dead - dropped dead on the 10th green this morning at St. Andrews."
" Oh, how terrible."
" It certainly was. The whole day, it's been hit the ball...drag Donald... hit the ball... drag Donald..."

Sandy and Scotty were playing a mountainous course in the Western Highlands. Sandy joined his partner after playing a difficult lie at the bottom of a deep ravine. " How many ? " asked Scotty.
" Three."
" Three ? I heard six ! "
" Three were echoes."

A minister addressed an Elder, " I'm told you went to the soccer game instead of church this morning."
" That's a lie, " said the elder, " and here's the brown trout to prove it."

How can you tell when you're passing a Scotsman's house ?
No garbage cans.

How could you tell it was a Scottish restaurant ?
There were forks in the sugar bowl.

Did you hear about.....
- the Scotsman who saw a sign saying, " Watch this window for free offer " ? So he sat there, and sat there. - the Scotsman who counted his money in front of the mirror so he wouldn't cheat himself?
- the collision between two taxis in Edinburgh, Scotland's capital city ? Twenty-seven people were injured.
- the Scotsman who took a girl back home in a taxi ? She was so loving, he could hardly take his eyes off the meter.
- the Scotsman who tried to cross an octopus with a turkey so that his family could all have a leg each ?

Scottish Fishermen:
A delusion surrounded by liars in old kilts.

And then there's the story of the Scotsman gazing at a huge, enormous mounted salmon. He shook his head in disbelief, then said, " The man who caught that fish is a liar."

" Young Sandy has inherited the famed Highland sixth sense -we've never found out what happened to the other five."

Did you hear about McGregor being shipwrecked on a desert island and being captured by cannibals ? They tied him to a pole, stuck spears in him, and collected the blood. Then they drank the blood and went off into a wild dance. After a week the Scotsman protested. " Look, " he said, " I don't mind being tied up here and having to watch the floor show, but stop sucking me for the drinks. "

Newspaper Headlines
Panda Mating Fails; Scottish Vet Takes over.
Scottish Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers. Scottish Weather Man Says That Cold Weather Is Linked To Temperatures.
Scottish Children Make Nutritious Snacks !
Highland Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case. Edinburgh Chef Throws His Heart Into Feeding The Needy.
Winter Storm Rips Through Cemetery: Hundreds Dead. Teacher Advises. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies.

Sandy McPherson was bragging about a 15-pound salmon he had landed.
" Fifteen pounds! " exclaimed his friend Donald. " Did you have witnesses ? "
" Sure did. Otherwise it would have weighed twenty-five pounds."

An old Scotsman was quietly fishing from the banks of the River Tay. An observer asked, " Tell me. Sandy, how many fish have you caught ? "
" Well, " the old man replied, " If I catch this one here I'm trying for, plus two more, I'll have myself three.

A Scottish salmon should swim three times: First, it should swim in water, then it should swim in butter, and , at last, it should swim in good Scots whisky.

" Sandy, did you fish with flies last weekend ? "
" Did we fish with them ! Sure did. We not only fished with them, we camped with them, ate with them, scratched and slept with them. "

It's quite true that some Scotsmen, when they tell a story, will go to any length.

Two Scots businessmen took a day off and went fishing. Just as the fishing got good, one partner suddenly exclaimed, " Holy smokes, Donald ! I forgot to lock the safe."
" So what, " his partner replied. " We're both what's the worry."

Every invalid is a physician.
Celtic proverb.

You'll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind.

Did you think I came up the river on a bicycle ?
Do you think I'm an idiot ?

Sandy and Donald had returned from a day's fishing with the allowed limit of trout. Sandy, the optimist, was ecstatic about their fun. " It couldn't have been a better. " he explained.
" What a great day" Donald, the pessimist, added. " I think it could have better...if...well, it could have rained whisky."

Wife: " Well, my dear, did you catch a lot of fish on the River Dee ? " Husband: ( Who had spent three days visiting Highland Distilleries ) " Had a great time. And did we catch fish ! Wow ! But we gave them all to Goodwill. They always need help you know. But that reminds forgot to pack my shaving stuff and my toothbrush."
Wife: " They were all, " she replied acidly, " in your tackle box."

Fisherman's Epitaph
He angled many a brook, But lacked an angler's skill: He lied about the fish h? took, And here he's lying still.

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