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Scottish Jokes and Quips

The detective was interviewing the owner of Mad Scotsman Books whose store had just been burglarized.
" It's bad, " said the owner, " but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."
" Why is that ? " the detective asked. " Because today everything was on sale."

" This fantastic little computer," said the sales clerk, " will do half your job for you."
Studying the machine Sandy then decided, " Fine, I'll take two."

The nurse burst into the doctor's office.
" Dr. MacDonald ! " she yelled, " you just gave a clean bill of health to Sandy McKay and...he dropped dead outside the door."
The canny doctor leaped into action.
" Quick, " he said, " we've got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in."

The clerk of the Highland hotel said: " Would you like a room with running water ? "
With a nasty frown the inebriated Scot replied, " What do I look like, a trout ? "

Half acres always yield good corn.
Those who have the least often make the most of it.

At his wife's insistence. Sandy bought a home on a hilltop in a very exclusive part of the Highlands. " I'll bet there is quite a view from way up there, " said his friend enviously.
" Yes, " replied Sandy, " on a clear day you can see the bank that holds the mortgage."

Lady McLeod was looking after the small son of a friend. " Are you sure you can cut your own meat, Hamish " she asked.
" Oh, yes, thank you, " said the child politely. " I've often had it this tough at home."

A traveler was marooned in an isolated Highland village because of a landslide caused by heavy rain, which was still falling in torrents after three days. Looking out of the window of the restaurant, he said to the waitress. " This is like the flood."
" The what ? "
" The flood. Surely you have heard about the great flood and Noah and the Ark."
" Mister, " she replied. " I haven't seen a newspaper for four days."

Wife: " Don't you think dear, that a man has more sense after he is married ?
" Husband: " Yes, Fiona, but it's too late then. "

Tourist - " This seems like a very dangerous cliff. It's a wonder they don't put up a warning sign."
Sandy - " Yes, it is dangerous, but they kept a warning sign up for two years and no one fell over, so it was taken down."

Scottish talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

The fantasy of every Scots man is to have two women -one cleaning and the other dusting.

Wee Scottish facts
* The shortest scheduled flight in the world is one and a half miles long from Westray to Papa Westray in the Orkney Islands of Scotland. The journey takes 1 minute 14 seconds to complete.
* The wildcat is the quickest Scottish animal to fend for itself after birth. It faces the world at a month old and begins hunting at the age of 3 months.
* Golf has been played in St. Andrews, Scotland since the 15th Century.
* Eas Coul Aulin Waterfall in the county of Sutherland, with a sheer drop of 658 ft, four times the height of Niagara Falls, is the highest waterfall in Britain.
* The very first recorded appearance of the elusive Loch Ness Monster occurred in 565 AD, when a " water beast " attacked one of St. Columba's followers in the loch. ''' * The windiest place in Scotland is the Island of Tiree, which has the highest average gusts over 100 mph.
* There are 787 Scottish Islands.
* The Chapel of St. Oran on the island of lona in the Hebrides, holds the tombs of 48 kings of Scotland, 8 kings of Norway, 4 kings of Ireland and 4 kings of France. * 7 out of every 10 Scots have blue eyes.
* Seven Scotsmen were in the US 7th Cavalry with General Custer at the Battle of the Little Big Horn on 25 June, 1876.

Herring no more! An ancient bell, suspended from a tree in a churchyard in the fishing village of St. Monans in the County of Fife, and rung to summon people to worship, was removed during the Herring fishing season because local fishermen believed in the superstition that its noise frightened the fish away.

Two Scots had been bachelor friends met for the first time in five years. " Tell me. Sandy, " said Donald, " did you marry that girl, or do you still dam your socks and do your own cooking ? "
" Yes, " was Sandy's reply.

Tourist - " Do you serve crabs here in the Highlands ? " Waiter - " We serve anyone; please take a seat."

Policeman ( after a collision ) " You saw this tourist driving toward you. Why didn't you give him the road ? " Scottish motorist - " I was going to as soon as I could discover which half he wanted."

Edinburgh Guide - " Be very careful not to fall here. It's very dangerous. But if you do fall, remember to look to the left. You get a wonderful view on that side."

Conan Doyle, writer and creator of Sherlock Holmes, was Scottish.

The Highland minister was debating with an elder who doubted the miracle of divine chastisement " Let me tell you of a remarkable occurrence," the minister said. " In this morning's paper, there was an article about a politician who was struck by lighting while he was lying. Miraculous incident wasn't it ? "
" I don't know now, " the elder replied. " It would be more of a miracle if lightning struck a politician when he wasn't lying."

Mrs. MacGregor was standing in her kitchen with her friend, Mrs. MacLeod. She looked out the window and pointed at the neighbor's wash hanging on the clothesline and said to her friend, " Just look at that wash. It sure looks dirty. Look at all those gray streaks on her laundry."
Mrs. MacLeod replied swiftly, " Those streaks aren't on your neighbor's wash - they're on your window."

Mac: " I say old man, do you think could you lend me one dollar ? "
Old Sandy: " I'm a little deaf in that ear; go around to the other one."
Mac: " Could you lend me 5 dollars ? " Old Sandy: " I think you'd better go back to the one dollar ear. "

The prosecution and defense had both presented their final arguments in a case involving a Highlander accused of operating an illegal still. The judge turned to the jury and asked, " Before giving you your instructions, do any of you have any questions ? "
" Yes, Your Honor, " replied one of the jurors. " Did the defendant boil the malt one or two hours, does he cool it quickly, and at what point does he add the yeast ? "

Two Scots were traveling on a motorcycle through windy Glencoe. When it became to breezy for one of the Scots, he stopped and put his overcoat on backward to keep the wind from ballooning it away from him. A few miles further down the glen, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the reversed coat. Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he said to the policeman standing nearby, " What happened ? " Well, " the young policeman replied, " one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time Igot the head of the other one straightened out, he was dead too."

Donald: " Do you serve breakfast here ? "
Waitress " Yes, what would you like ? "
Donald:" Lumpy porridge and some burnt toast." Waitress: " Whatever you say sir."
Donald:" Now, are you doing anything while that's being made ? "
Waitress:" Why - no, sir."
Donald:" Then sit her and nag me a while. I'm homesick !

At the club tournament in old St. Andrews the club secretary caught up with one of the entrants driving off about a foot in front of the teeing mark. " Here, " he said, " you can't do that. You're disqualified."
" What for ? " asked the golfer.
" Why, you're driving off in front of the mark."
The player looked at the secretary with pity. " Go on back to the clubhouse, " he said tersely- "I'm playing my second stroke."

A woman was stopped on the street by a ragged Scotsman. " Could you spare a dollar for something to eat, lady ? "
" Why are you begging - a big strong man like you ? I would think you'd be ashamed."
" Lady, " he said, removing his hat and bowing. " I am a sad and disappointed Highland romanticist. I have woven dreams of cobweb stuff and the wild West wind has swept them away. And so I have turned to this profession - the only one I know in which a Scottish gentleman can address the most beautiful woman in all of Scotland without the formality of an introduction."
" Yes, he got five dollars."

" My wife says if I don't quit golf, she'll leave me." "That's too bad."
"Aye, I'll miss her."

"Why are you sad. Sandy ? "
" My wife said she wouldn't talk to me for 30 days."
" Why should that make you so sad?"
" Today is her last day ! "

Never ignore the Fiery Cross !
When a chieftain wished to summon members of his clan in an emergency he killed a goat. Next he made a cross of light wood, burned its extremities in the fire, then extinguished the flames in the animal's blood. This was called the Fiery Cross, also Creau Toigh, or the Cross of Shame, because disobedience to what the symbol implied incurred infamy. The cross was transferred from hand to hand, and sped through the chiefs lands with incredible speed. At the sight of the cross every man, from 16 to 60, was obliged to go to the appointed meeting place. Anyone who ignored the summons was exposed to the penalties of fire and sword which were denoted by the bloody and burned marks on the cross.

A Scotsman was arguing with the conductor as to whether the fare was 25 or 50 cents. Finally the disgusted conductor picked up the Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the train, just as they passed over a bridge. It landed with a splash.
" Man, " screamed the Scot, " isn't enough to try to overcharge me, but now you try to drown my little boy !

A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

Mother was Irish and very, very proud of it.
Father was Scotch.... and very, very fond of it.

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