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Scottish Jokes and Quips

An arrogant Englishman, who was traveling through the Highlands of Scotland, amused himself by asking stupid questions of the Highlanders and laughing openly at their puzzled or astonished looks. But he got the worst of it, once, from an old Highland woman sitting knitting at the door other cottage. " Good morning, my dear. " said the arrogant Englishman. " Can you help me please ? " " Maybe I could. " said the old woman. " Well, have you seen a truck-load of monkeys going past, on their way up the valley ? "
" No, my dear. " replied the old woman. " I don't think I have. Did you fall off?"

In defending a client charged with assault, a lawyer told the jury his client was walking through the glen with a pitchfork on his shoulder. A large dog that was very fierce came out from the back of a cottage and attacked the man, and the man killed the dog with the pitchfork.
" Why did you kill the dog ? " asked the irate owner. " Because he tried to bite me."
" But why didn't you not go at him with the other end of the pitchfork ? "
" Why didn't your dog come at me with his other end ? "

A blind man's wife never needs painting.

In a small Highland town the farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke. One old farmer stood up and said: " What does she know about anything. I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has ? " Quick as a flash the woman replied, " Take off your boots, and count them."

A candidate for the Northern Highlands police force was being verbally examined. " If you were by yourself in a police car and were pursued by a desperate gang of criminals doing 40 mph along a mountain road. What would you do ? "
He look puzzled then replied, " Fifty."

Old Sandy was giving instructions for his own funeral. He told his son: - " Well, son, you'll just go round the entire company and make sure that each has a drink of whisky. Then after a while you'll go around again and make sure they all have another wee drink. Since, however, I will not be at the wake, I'll just have my two drinks now."

The Scots couple who were courting, and came to a quiet stretch of their walk. Said Donald: " Jenny, would you object if I should put my arm around your waist ? " To which Jenny replies:-" Yes, indeed, Donald, I should object. But I might yield to a little bit of pressure."

Till all the seas gang dry, my dear.
And the rocks melt with the sun.
And I will love thee still, my dear.
While the sands of life shall run.
- Robert Burns

Tourist " Excuse me, what's the quickest way to the hospital ? " Local - " Close your eyes, cross this street, and you'll be there in fifteen minutes."

Sandy was in trouble again, and the judge asked him if he was guilty or not guilty. " Guilty, sir, I think, but I'd rather be tried and make sure of it."

Donald - " Has your sheepdog a good pedigree ? "
Sandy - " Has he ? Say, if my dog could talk, he wouldn't speak to either of us."

Tourist - " Waiter ! This stew is terrible. What kind is it ? " Waiter - " The chef calls it his enthusiastic Scottish stew."
Tourist - " Why ? "
Waiter - " He puts everything into it."

Scots Motorist - " I want a pint of gasoline and a cup of oil."
Garage Hand - " And shall I cough into the tires, sir ? "

" Speaking of old families, " said the snobbish Englishman, " one of my ancestors was present at the signing of the Magna Carta."
" And one of mine, " said the Scot, " was at the signing of the Ten Commandments. "

In antique store in Edinburgh several tourists spotted a pair of early American portraits and questioned the proprietor about them. " They're ancestors, " he said. " Whose ancestors ? " one of the travelers inquired. " Anyone who's a mind to have them, " he replied.

What do philosophers call the truth?
When one Scottish fisherman calls another Scots fisherman a liar.

Nowhere beats the heart so kindly as beneath the tartan plaid.
- W.E. Aytoun.

" And have you made your will. Sandy ? "
" Yes I have, " said Sandy. " All of my fortune goes to the doctor that saves my life. "

Sign in a Highland Police Station. Whoever stole the mince pie - would you please return it at once ! It's needed in court tomorrow, as evidence, in a poisoning trial.

Just back from a visit to a famed Highland Distillery, they drove towards the city of Edinburgh in a zig-zag pattern. " Sandy, are we near the city yet ? "
" We're knocking down more people so we must be. "
" Drive slower then. "
" Whadda ya mean, drive slower ? You're driving. "

" That was a terrible storm you had down your way. Sandy. "
" It was bad. Our hen had her back to the wind and she laid the same egg five times."

It was late at night and Sandy was looking for something under a street lamp. " What are you looking for ? " asked the village policeman.
" I lost my wallet down the street and I'm searching for it."
" But if you lost it down the street what are you searching here for ? "
" There's more light here."

Where is the coward that would not dare to fight for such a land as Scotland.
- Sir Walter Scott.

People imagine we Scots are all red-haired and about five feet small. I reckon there's no race more romantic than the Scots.
- Sean Cannery.

Did not strong connections draw me elsewhere, I believe Scotland would be the country I should choose to end my days in.
- Benjamin Franklin

Sandy had a bad day fishing on the river and caught nothing. On the way home, he called in at the fish shop. " Just throw me a small salmon," he said. " Why throw it ? " asked the clerk.
" So that I can tell my wife I caught it."
" Wouldn't you rather have a trout ? "
" Why would 1 rather have a trout ? "
" Well, when your wife came into the store earlier today, she said that's what she would prefer you to catch when you came in later."

What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland ?
Summer!

Sandy went to the movie theater showing a revival of the old British comedy The Mouse That Roared. After the movie began, he became aware of an odd laugh several rows back. Turning, he noticed a Shetland sheepdog sitting beside his owner and laughing hysterically. Within moments the dog was in the aisle, convulsed with laughter. Sandy ambled over to the owner. " Say, I just can't believe your sheepdog here ! "
" Neither can I, " said the owner. " He hated the book."

Donald asked, " Got anything to cure fleas on a collie dog ? " " That depends, " the slow-minded vet replied. " What's wrong with them ? "

Looking down at the defendant, the judge said,
" MacDonald, I've decided to give you a suspended sentence."
Tears pouring from his eyes, MacDonald cried, " Oh, thank you. Your Honor ! "
" Don't thank me, " the judge replied. " I'm sentencing you to be hanged."

" Oh, Sandy," sighed the wife one morning. " I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone ! "
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and finally commented, " I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for going on twenty years."

The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at his patient on the other side of the room. " Yes, Sandy, I'm pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured." Sandy sighed. " Well, that's just great."
" I don't understand. Aren't you happy ? "
" Why should I be ? "
Sandy shot back. " A year ago I thought I was Braveheart. And now I'm just a nobody."

" Can I interest you in a nice pocket calculator ? " said the clerk. " No thanks, " replied the canny Scot, " I know exactly how many pockets I have."

" Can anyone tell me, " asked the village teacher, " why the Middle Ages are often called the Dark Ages ? " Donald raised his hand and shouted," Because they had so many knights ? "

A tightly closed mouth catches no flies.
The person who keeps their mouth shut will also stay troublefree.

Little Sandy walked into the house shortly before noon
" Sandy ! " his mother cried, " what are you doing home from school so early ? "
" I got the right answer to the question."
Beaming, his mother asked, " Which question was that? " " Who put the thumbtack on Teacher's chair. "

The only ride Reverend MacDonald could get out of the little Highland village was in a mule-drawn carriage. " One thing though, " said Sandy, the driver, " it's a bad road, and I can't rush my mule, Ben. He's been with me so long he's like a brother to me." Sandy pulled up after a few miles and pointed ahead. " Now, that hill's too steep for Ben to climb with both of us in here. You'll have to walk." Reverend MacDonald got out and walked through the rough heather. After the minister got back in, the driver said, " Next hill's even worse. To spare Ben, this time I'll get out and walk." A few minutes later, the driver said, " I told you this hill is the worst of all. This time we'll both walk. Ben's getting tired already." Finally they reached their destination, mostly by foot through rough heather. Reverend MacDonald wearily paid the driver his fee. Then he said, " I had to come to this glen for the sake of my congregation. You had to come here for the sake of the money. But for God's sake, why did we bring Ben ? "

A laying hen is better than a standing mill.
The first may be small but at least it makes a profit whereas the latter does not.

A man of words, but not of deeds,
is just like a garden full of weeds.


Touch the steeple!
To be found guilty of a serious crime and sentenced to death by the court ofDingwall in northern Scotland was not always the absolute end. For if the prisoner could make his escape, get past a crowd before anyone could lay a finger on him, and touch the church steeple, he was then a freeman.

" Did anybody drop a roll of bills with a rubber band around them ? "
" Yes, I did, " said several voices in the bank lobby.
" Well, " said MacPherson, " I just found the rubber band."

On his deathbed a Scottish farmer named six bankers as his pallbearers and explained that as they had carried him for so long that they might as well finish the job.

Merchant (to book salesman) " Salesmanship ' Huh ! I've no use for your book. I've forgotten more about the art Salesmanship than you ever knew ! "
Sandy - " Aye ! Then maybe I can show you this book on ' Memory Training'.

An ill cow may still have a good calf.
Bad parents may still produce good children.

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