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Scottish Jokes and Quips

The Highland minister wound up his services one morning by saying, " Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. In preparation for my sermon, I should like you all to read the 17th Chapter of Mark."
On the following Sunday, the minister rose to begin, and said," Now then, all of you who have read the 17th Chapter of Mark, please raise your hands. " Nearly every hand in the small congregation went up. Then said the minister, " You are the very people I want to talk to. There is no 17th Chapter of Mark ! "

The old lighthouse-keeper on the west coast of Scotland had been at his post continuously for thirty years. During that entire period he had been used to a gun going off, practically under his nose, every six minutes, day and night. This was the method for warning ships. Naturally, he grew hardened to this periodic explosion,, and paid little or no attention to it. Then, one night, in his 31st year at this job, the gun failed to go off. The old man awoke from a sound slumber.
" What was that ? " he cried in alarm.

A very talkative lady patient came to the plain-speaking Dr. MacGregor, and talked for a full thirty minutes about her complaint. " Put out your tongue, " barked Dr. MacGregor. The lady complied. " Now keep it there until I've done talking."

" I see you're drinking tea, Judge, " someone remarked to Judge MacDonald one hot summer's day. " Why don't you try something cooling? Did you ever try whisky & soda ? "
" No, " said the judge, " but I've tried several fellows who have."

A minister told a Highlander that he should love his enemies. " I do, " said the Scot, " for I love whisky and beer."

The editor of a small Highland newspaper sent a notice to one Donald MacDonald that his subscription had expired. The note came back with a laconic scrawl, " So has Donald."

A Highland clansmen, who was lame in one foot, was laughed at by the rest of the clan soldiers on account of his lameness. "I'm here to stand and fight, " he said, " not to run ! "

A wee boy, generally known about the highland village as being not too intelligent, was annoying the busy blacksmith. Hoping to scare him away, the blacksmith finally held a red-hot piece of iron under the boy's nose. " If you give me a half a dollar I'll lick it, " said the simple-looking youngster. The blacksmith held out the coin. Without a word, the boy took the coin, licked it, dropped it in his pocket, and whistling softly, walked away.

As Donald and Sandy were coming out of church one morning, it started to rain very heavily. " Do you think it will stop ? " asked Donald.
" It always has, " answered Sandy.

A Scotsman's ideal vacation is to stay at home and let his mind wander.

Donald said to his wife one night, " Well, Maggie, Ithink I'll go and pay a visit to our new neighbor." Upon his return some time later, Maggie said, " Well Donald, what kind of man is our neighbor ? "
" He's a good man, " replied Donald, " a good man and very free with his whisky. But it is very poor quality. In fact, Maggie, it was that bad, I nearly left some."

A farmer, making his nightly rounds, saw a shadowy figure holding a lantern and standing somewhat furtively by the side of his cottage. Knowing all his family was in the cottage, he shouted, " Hey, there. Who are you ? " Holding the lantern head high, the figure laughed and replied, " It's only me. Sandy."
" Why Ithought you were in bed long ago, " said the farmer, " what are you doing out so late?"
" Well, " said Sandy, shifting about a bit as though in deep embarrassment, "I'm courting Annie."
The farmer chuckled. " Why the lantern ? Why, when I was courting my wife, I didn't take a lantern."
The young man hesitated for a moment, then said, " Yes, I know. We can all see that."

" How this world is inclined to gossip and slander, " said Jenny, the highland maiden, to the Clan Chief. " Can you believe it, sir, some of my malicious friends have been going around saying that I have had twins."
" Jenny, I make it a Clan rule to believe only half of what I hear ! " replied the chief.

Donald - " Sandy, you know that I'm thrifty. What would you advise me to give for a Golden Wedding gift ? " Sandy - ( after a little thought) " Well, Donald, I'd give a goldfish."

And then there was the Scotsman who bought only one spur. He figured that if one side of the horse went the other was sure to follow.

This incident is told of a Scottish doctor, new to the gun, who set out on a day's rabbit shooting. Chased by ferrets, the rabbits were rather a quick-moving target, and the doctor was not meeting with the success he had anticipated. " This is difficult ! " he said, impatiently, to the friend that accompanied him, " these beasts are too quick for me."
" Yes, doctor, " replied his friend, " but you surely didn't expect them to lie still like your patients until you kill them ! "

A Scots salesman, held up in the remote Northern Islands by a storm, faxed his company on the mainland of Scotland: " Marooned here by storm. Please fax instructions."
The reply came: " Start your summer vacation as from yesterday. "

" Now, MacDonald, " said the doctor, " it's like this: You have either to stop the whisky or lose your eyesight, and you must choose." " Oh, well, doctor, " said old MacDonald, " I'm a very old man now, and I was thinking that I have probably seen about everything that's worth seeing."

Little Sandy: " I don't think I deserve a zero on this test." Teacher: " Neither do I, but it's the lowest mark I can give you."

When Donald was assigned the task of writing an essay on - " the most beautiful thing I ever saw, " he handed in his paper with astonishing speed. It was short and to the point -" The most beautiful thing I ever saw was too beautiful for words."

Sandy, going to the doctor for his first visit was asked,
" And who did you consult before coming to see me ? "
" Only the village pharmacist," was Sandy's answer.
" And what sort of foolish advice did that fool give you ?" said the doctor, his tone and manner showing his contempt for the advice of a layman.
" Oh, " replied Sandy, " he told me to come and see you !

A Scot went into a store and bought a briefcase.
" Shall I wrap it up for you ? " asked the clerk.
" Oh, no, thank you, " replied the Scot, " just put the paper and string inside."

" MacDonald is an excellent judge of whisky, isn't he ? "
" Yes, a great judge - and a merciless executioner. "

An old Scots farmer, who had been nagged at by his wife for his whole married life, was about to die. His wife felt it was her duty to offer him as much consolation as she could, and so she said: " Sandy, you are about to go, but I will follow you some day."
" I suppose so, Jean, " said the old fanner, meekly, " but as far as I'm concerned, you needn't be in any extraordinary hurry about it."

Wedding Guest - " This is your fourth daughter to get married isn't it ? "
MacDonald - " Yes; and our confetti is getting awful dirty."

" So you're Scotch. Do you know there's a little Scotch in me also ? "
" Yes, I can smell it."

Seeing two men bathing on the beach on the shores of northern Scotland a wealthy Englishman offered $5 to the one who could stay longest under water. They are still searching for the bodies.

Dr. MacDonald was awoken in the middle of the night by a phone call from a local farmer who he hadn't seen for a long time. " Doctor, " said the excited man, " please come over right away. My wife is in great pain and I'm sure it's appendicitis." The doctor had been sleepily mulling over the medical history of the family and said,
" Well now, it probably isn't anything like that. I'll come round first thing in the morning. Don't worry. It's probably just indigestion. "
" But Doctor, you've got to come. I'm very sure that it's appendicitis, " protested the man.
" Now, now, " said the Doctor, somewhat irritably. " I took out your wife's appendix almost two years ago. You know as well as I do that she hasn't got another one."
" Very true, " said the farmer, " but I've got another wife."

Donald, having hurt his forehead, was advised to rub it with some whisky. Some days after, being asked if he had done so, he answered, " I have tried several times, but can never get the glass higher than my mouth."

Young Donald came home with a very bad report card in January. " Oh, Donald, " said his mother, " what is the trouble?"
" There isn't any trouble, " said the young Scot, " you know how it is yourself; things are always marked down after the holidays."

A Scotsman in planning his new house left the roof off one room. A friend asked the reason for this. " Oh, that's the shower, " said the Scotsman.

" Is old Sandy a typical Scotsman ? "
" Is he ? He's saved all his toys for his second childhood"

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