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Scottish Jokes and Quips

A little bit of disagreement keeps the talk long.
Too much agreement kills a conversation.

The insurance man knocked lightly on the door of the wee thatched cottage. The highland widower, his black coat, contrasting with his pale white features, opened it ever so slowly. He ushered the insurance man into the living room, where two glasses of whisky were poured. They sat in silence until the insurance man dug into his briefcase and then in a very quiet voice said.
" Everything is in order, Mr. MacDonald. Here is our check for $50,000."
MacDonald stared at the check. " Fifty thousand, " he muttered. " Fifty thousand for a life of goodness, love, faith and charity. You know " - and here he stopped to wipe away a tear -" I'd gladly give half of this back to have Fiona alive today."

The big crowd gathered on the banks of Loch Ness and watched the tourist apply artificial respiration to the highland lassie he'd just rescued. Her parents broke through the crowds, joyful at seeing their daughter alive and well.
" Sandy, " said the happy mother. " Give that kind American a dollar. He saved our daughters life."
" But, mum, " protested the lass. " I was half dead ' "
" All right, " mum said. " Give him fifty cents."

" Does the highland air disagree with your wife ? "
" It wouldn't dare."

Scottish proverb:
He who marries a chicken soon gets henpecked.

The fastest dogs in the world are in the northern Shetland Isles of Scotland.... the trees are so far apart.

" Father, " the wee boy called. "There's boiling water coming from the radiator."
" Don't waste it, " cried the old man, " Throw in a tea bag. "

Lots of rain on the Island of Skye.
I asked an old native for directions to Dunvegan Castle and he said it was ten miles as the crow floats.

The tourist was boring everyone in the highland pub to death. He kept talking about a sea voyage to Africa, which interested no one. " The waves were fifty feet high, " he said. " I was at sea thirty years and never saw them that high."
" Ah, well, " said one old highlander, " waves are much higher now than they used to be."

" So you're the chief of police of this wonderful, quaint, Highland village. I'm pleased to meet you. I wonder if I could shake hands with the fire chief"
" Certainly, just wait till I change hats."

I come from a wee Highland village. They won't allow you to use electric razors. When you plug them in all the televisions go dim.

Old Scottish proverb:
No matter how much you applaud a jukebox, you have put another quarter in for an encore.

" Sir, my wife said I was to ask for a pay raise. " said Sandy.
" Good. I'll ask my wife I may give you one, " said his boss.

Children with big ears take everything in.
Watch how you speak in front of children.

Sandy and Jock, enjoying an afternoon of fishing, were seated by the banks of the River Tay. " Say, " said Jock. " We're lifelong friends, if you suddenly found a million dollars would you lend me ten thousand ?"
" That depends, " said Sandy. " What sort of security have you got ?"

Sandy and Jock were out hunting when they were both startled by a wolf howl. " I'll bet you a dollar you can't go out and kill that wolf, " Sandy said. Jock took him up on it and ten minutes later came back with the carcass of a dead wolf. That night, just as they were about turn in, another howl pierced the night.
" You can give me back my dollar, ".said Sandy. " You killed the wrong wolf."

Rigid economy: A dead Scotsman.

How to tell Scottish women from Scottish men since they both wear kilts.
The one listening is the man.

After the divorce Sandy married her sister so he wouldn't have to break in a new mother-in-law.

" I was left on the doorstep of a wee Highland cottage with a note on my kilt."
" What did the note say ? "
" I don't know. I was too young to read."

They strolled along the bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. It was a beautiful day A perfect day for love and romance. " See those birds skimming across the water, flapping their wings a hundred times a minute ? " she said.
" Aye, " he answered softly.
" And they have their beaks together. "
" Let's do that," she implored.
" Goodness, " he said breathlessly,
" I'm afraid I can't flap my arms that fast. "

" Now remember Sandy, relaxation is very, very important, " the doctor was saying. " What do you do as a means of relaxation ? "
" I kill flies with my bow, " Sandy said.
" Isn't that sort of messy ? "
" Oh no, " said Sandy. " I aim only at their legs."

Sandy appeared at his doctor's office in a terrible state. " It's a dream Ihad, " he said nervously. " I dreamed I was among three hundred Highland dancers. All beautiful, buxom, red-haired women. It was really terrible."
" Why terrible ? " asked the Doctor.
" I was a woman too."

Sandy was invited to the highland estate of the influential Duke of Sutherland for the weekend. After dinner the host outlined the plan of events for the following day. " We are going fox hunting, " he declared. " We get up at four, breakfast at five, mount our horses at six and commence the hunt at seven."
" I don't like it, " said Sandy.
" But why ? " asked the puzzled Duke.
" Because, " said Sandy, " we get up at four and the fox doesn't get up till seven. "

The Scotsman wore a black band on his sleeve, he was in mourning for a lost golf ball.

A keen Scottish soccer supporter was watching a match at the World Cup. Beside him was the only empty seat in the entire stadium. " Whose seat is that ? " asked the man on the other side.
" It's my wife's." " But why isn't she here ? "
" She passed away."
" Why didn't give your ticket to one of your friends ? "
" They're all at the funeral."

What's the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Scotland ? There's one less drunk at a wake.

" Because. " is a Scots woman's reason.

Better make your feet your best friends.
Said as a warning, meaning you'd better run for your life.

Blue are the hills that are far away.
Distance always improves how things appear.

Death comes in and asks no questions.
Death visits us unannounced and treats every one alike.

Don't gut your fish till you get them.
Don't live on expectations, as one never can tell the future.

When a pipe band played for the first time in Pretoria, South Africa, a native tribesman listening to the band was asked what he thought of it. After a few seconds' thought he replied: " Plenty no good. No beginning, no middle, no finish, all one alike."

A Scottish salesman died in a tragic car accident while traveling for his company over the winding roads of the Scottish Highlands. His manager sent the following telegram: RETURN SAMPLES BY FREIGHT. SEARCH POCKETS FOR ORDERS

Sandy visited London for his annual vacation and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. " At three o'clock every morning." he told a friend, " they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loudly I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."

A little Scottish boy burst into the house and said to his father: " Daddy, Daddy, I ran home behind the bus and saved a $1."
His father replied, " You could have done better son. You could have run home behind a taxi and saved $5."

Scottish preacher to his congregation: " I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons and don't pull them off the church cushions."

Scotland is noted for its close family ties. Sandy was one of thirteen children and when his wife died after forty years of marriage he never did shed a tear. He explained to his friends - it wasn't as if she was a blood relation.

Wet sheep don't shrink - they shake off the water.
Don't give in to misfortune.

He 'II neither dance nor hold the candle.
He will neither join in, nor let others do so.

He never lies but when the holly's green.
Holly being an evergreen, he never tells the truth.

He that sleeps with dogs will rise with fleas.
Those who keep bad company cannot expect to be unaffected.

He that would eat the fruit must climb the tree.
There is no gain without pain.

Every blade of grass keeps its own drop of dew.
Attend to your own business.

An American was touring the Island of Skye, and entering a hotel in one of the pretty coastal villages noticed the words " Tam Htab " written on the mat.
" Ah ! " he said, " I suppose that's Gaelic for Welcome."
" No, sir, " replied the hotel owner. " That's the bath mat upside down."

There are many theories about the bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scot who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. Either way you either loathe or love them.

Did you hear that Sandy died slowly of starvation ? He could not bear to eat after he had paid $50 to have his teeth cleaned.

In a fit of Christmas spirit Sandy sent his best friend Jock a Christmas present - a fine homing pigeon.

A Scotsman will never be insulted if you offer him a very small glass of whisky - he will merely swallow the insult.

How do you torture a Scotsman ? Nail his feet to the floor and play a jig on the bagpipes.

How did the Grand Canyon come about ?
A Scotsman lost a dime in Arizona.

An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. " Thank goodness I've met somebody," he cried. " I've been lost for a week."
" Is there a reward out for you ? " asked the Scotsman.
" No." said the American.
" Then you're still lost."

Jock was out of cigarettes so he decided to ask his friend Sandy for a match. When he got the match he searched his pockets and said, " I seem to have forgotten my cigarettes."
" In that case. " said Sandy, " You will hardly be needing the match."

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