Scottish Joke Books

The Tiny Book of Scottish Jokes The Tiny Book of Scottish Jokes. From kilts and haggis to whisky and thriftiness, this hilarious collection of Scottish jokes is guaranteed to amuse those both north and south of the border. Heard the one about the Scottish obscene telephone caller? (He got caught because he kept reversing the charges.) What does a Scotsman think of Irish whiskey? It's useful stuff if you run short of water for diluting scotch...With Graham Thompson's wickedly appropriate cartoons, this is an irresistible and hilarious book which is part of the Tiny Book of Jokes series. Scottish Humour.

Weegies v Edinbuggers: Why Glasgow Smiles Better than Edinburgh or Why Edinburgh is Slightly Superior to Glasgow There's a slogan that Glaswegians use when talking about Edinburgh's world-famous joie de vivre: 'Edinburgh! A castle, a smile and a song One out of three isn't bad.' Edinburghers retaliate by talking of why all the Wise Men come from the East and all the cowboys from the West. So we have the Far East, the Wild West and an apparently unbridgeable gulf in between, usually called Falkirk. These are the jokes, the songs and the stories of why citizens of these two great cities would rather take Osama bin Laden home for tea than a Weegie or an Edinbugger, citizens of no mean cities though they be. Except, of course, traditionally, there is no request to tea in Edinburgh, more of a statement delivered without a question mark, as in 'You'll have had your tea.' And 'pal' is the unfriendliest word there is in Glasgow. When a Glaswegian asks, 'Ur you lookin' at me, pal?', you would be very naive indeed to think of it as a question or that the deliverer is intent on making friends. It is, in fact, a statement meaning something like, 'Unless you come up with a smart reply sharpish, I'm going to attempt to remove your head from your shoulders with any weapon that comes to hand. Or my teeth.' There's nothing rational about it. Weegies know that all Edinburghers are just poncing about all day pretending to be flowers and waiting for dark to get up Calton Hill because, without exception, they like their vice versa. And Edinbuggers know that, in Weegie families, father, mother and sister often don't add up to three, but that they do keep their chibs sharp, whatever a chib might be. There are hard hits from both sides, sharp jibes and bludgeoning diatribes, but it's just friendly rivalry really. To use the double positive negative, a figure of speech unique to Scotland, 'Aye, right.'

Scotland: Frequently Asked Questions - What Every Visitor Needs to Know Presented as a conversation between the author and a typical visitor to Scotland, this stream-of-conciousness technique makes for a different type of guide. Answering the questions that tourists really want to ask about Scotland and the weird and wonderful things Scots get up to, the book covers subjects as diverse as "Trainspotting" and the weather, licensing laws and the honours system, cultural identity and bus shelters. Intended as an irreverent and entertaining guide to the country, the book is not approved by VisitScotland!

Scotland, Bloody Scotland This volume covers the complete history of Scotland. From standing stones to the Battle of Culloden, through Macbeth, Mary, Queen of Scots, Wallace and the Bruce, every major personality, important incident and decisive battle, the book is illustrated with humorous cartoons. The Baron of Ravenstone is the author of "The Tupper Report".

" Lies and Truths Ma Mother Telt Me!:... Allan Morrison has again scoured the hearts and minds of Scots at home and abroad to bring this hilarious compilation of sayings which reveal the inner workings of that most formidable of personalities, your mother! Over 350 lies and 250 truths are here and when you utter them you should have a scowl on your face and a lump in your throat! Scottish Joke Books.

" Oor Wee School...Wis a Rare Wee... Oor Wee School. A collection of utterances from the mouths of Scottish schoolchildren over the last 70 years, gathered by author Allan Morrison. The snippets cover a range of situations and subject areas. Scottish Joke Books.

Laugh Scotland! Laugh Scotland. Jokes classic, jokes new, jokes modern, old and blue, they're all here in Allan Morrison's book. From one-liners to shaggy dog stories, from Q and As to riddles, this book has the lot. Hot topics include: Glasgow versus Edinburgh; Scotsmen; Scotswomen; The Scottish Parliament; kilts and bagpipes and stuff; the workplace; at home with the Scots; Scottish education; Marriage; the Scots at worship; the fitba'; the English prudence; and the wee naughty ones. Scottish Humour.

Astonishing Scotland!: Pass the Bunnet Astonishing Scotland. Rank villains, cludgie humour, mankie women, famous gubbings, men in skirts, sadists, balloons and assorted bampots, sex, drugs and illicit lute playing. They're all in Jim Hewitson's latest foray along the scarred underbelly of Scottish history. Astonishing Scotland! is a cheeky thesaurus of Scottishness, an A-Z of Caledonian myth and mischief, a glimpse at the DNA of nationality. And on this individualistic journey, you'll find a multitude of off-beat anecdotes from the history of our great, if somewhat confused, nation. Where exactly did James IV go wrong at Flodden? Should Dundee United be playing with a flat back four? Which Scottish castle can claim the nation's most spectacular thunderbox? And did wearing a bunnet during sex really ensure you produced a male child? Trawling the sometimes murky, often illuminating but always fascinating backwaters of Scotland's story, you'll encounter the bizarre, the memorable, even the rude. So if you thought that Scottish history was as heavy as a pot of stale porridge, then prepare to be Astonished! Scottish Humour.

Whisky Galore Whisky Galore. Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whisky makes it go round twice as fast.The hilarious story of wartime bootlegging in the Scottish islands.Wartime food rationing is bad enough, but when the whisky supplies run out on the Hebridean islands of Great and Little Todday, nothing seems to go right. Then the 50,000-bottle cargo of the shipwrecked S.S. Cabinet Minister brings salvation, in its most giddily intoxicating form. Scottish Humour.

Sheep for Beginners For every one person in Scotland there is one sheep. But how many of us can say that we really know our fine fleecy friends? In this uncomprehensive and ill-informed guide to all things woolly, you will discover many facts and figures that will amaze and surprise ewe, there are things in here that even the most ardent supporters of a certain north-east of Scotland football team don't know! Fascinating subjects include: Scottish breeds; Famous knitting patterns; Sheep in Scottish history; Dolly the Sheep; Sheep Desert Island Discs. Ewe will discover: The probability of a sheep crossing the road as a car approaches; How to find a good-looking sheep; All about the love that dare not bleat its name. Ewe will also learn the answers to some age-old questions such as 'When exactly does lamb become mutton?' and 'Why mint sauce?' Scottish Humour.

Brimster Tales Brimster is so far off the beaten track that news of what happens there hardly ever makes it to the pages of the Scottish press. Then one day some unkind soul makes public a photograph of Brimster's hard-working, long-serving councillor, Magnus Stroup, taken during a fact-finding mission to Amsterdam. This, however, is only one of the odd things that take place in this far-flung rural Caithness community. For example, what is the explanation of the boot still containing a human foot that is found in a wheelie bin? And how does Miss Sarah Job's cat uncover the suave Mr Clove's secret? And how did a hay bale cause serious injury to a young crofter? And did Owld Toftie really leave behind a fortune to his warring descendants - and can Sinclair Cattach find it first? And what is the secret of the Holy Well? For answers to these and many more questions you never thought to ask, read The Brimster Saga. This is the first appearance in book form of a popular long-running serial from the Caithness weekly paper, the John o'Groat Journal.

The Vital Spark: The Illustrated Para... The Vital Spark, Para Handy. The hilarious exploits of Para Handy and his crew, beloved by readers since Neil Munro first set them loose on an unsuspecting public all those years ago - are now part of Scotland's genetic make-up. But despite the tales of the Master Mariner, Dougie the Mate, Macphail the Engineer, Sunny Jim and The Tar being in print for almost a century, never before have they received such remarkable treatment. Scottish Humour.

Jimmy Swan (Birlinn Historical Guides) There are small paraffin-oil-lamp towns in many parts of the country for which Mr Swan is Fairy Godmother, perpetual Grand Plenipotentiary, and Deputy Providence. Half of his time in Glasgow is taken up with the execution of countless petty commissions for his rural customers and their friends, the selection and purchase of goods quite out of his drapery line. Jimmy Swan, the enigmatic commercial traveller, is another classic comic character from the pen of Neil Munro, the master Scottish humorist. The result of Swan's experiences is a wonderfully entertaining collection, allowing the reader a marvellous insight into daily life in the West of Scotland at the turn of the century. Each story is brimful of local and period detail and the editors have provided a full set of notes explaining those historical, cultural, biographical, linguistic and geographical references which may not be obvious to the twenty-first century reader - but which would have been very familiar from the news pages of their daily papers to the early twentieth-century reader. In addition a full introduction is given, setting these Glasgow tales in their context and providing information about their author, Neil Munro. Scottish Humour.

The Vicious Vikings (Horrible Histories... Packed with frightening facts about the vile Viking invaders and their Saxon enemies, this book takes a look at history - with the nasty bits left in.

Bud Neill's Magic!: A Collection of Bud Neill's Pocket Cartoons In this book, Bud Neill, armed only with paper, pen, lamp black ink, a laser wit and a healthy regard for the absurd, encapsulates the west of Scotland''s culture as no cartoonist has done before. Scottish Humour.

Two Andy Gorams: The Funniest Scottish Football Songs Ever! They're sleekit and they're smelly, They're fae up near Lochgelly, They've never seen a telly, The Cowden family. Last Christmas the likes of 'The Blue Brazil' above helped make Two Andy Gorams the football book of choice on the terraces. So, back by popular demand is a new edition, complete with yet more of Scotland's funniest football songs and chants. And it's still as sharp as ever and just as non-PC. Scottish Humour.

The Crack: The Best of Glasgow Humour The shortsighted lady in the baker's shop was peering at the display of cakes under the glass. 'Tell me, dear,' she asked the girl at the counter, pointing at one confection in particular, 'I've come out without my glasses. Is that a doughnut or a meringue?' 'Naw, you're absolutely right, missis. It's a doughnut OK' What do you call an illegitimate insect? A fly bastart Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow? They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men As this book amply demonstrates, humour is one of the cornerstones of Glasgow life. A look at the history of popular entertainment in the city shows that Glasgow has always enjoyed a good laugh, and the home-grown variety best of all. Professional comedians often shared the same background as their audiences, and the drawbacks of tenement life provided a rich source of comic potential which was tapped by many of Glasgow's best-known comics. In this new and expanded edition of his best-selling book, Michael Munro has produced a hilarious compendium of the wit and wisdom of Glasgow. While many of the jokes and stories are 'classics' that continue to amuse today, either in their original form or updated to reflect contemporary tastes and preoccupations, The Crack also includes a huge amount of material that will be new to many. As this hilarious collection shows, no subject, sacred or profane, is safe from scrutiny and the Glasgow tongue respects no bounds of taste.

The Rotten Romans (Horrible Histories S.) Follows life for folks in Roman Britain from Nero to Boudicca and includes a look at gory games, rotten recipes, and loads of frightening facts.

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