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Scottish Jokes

A Scotsman met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."  

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. 

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. 

She said, "That was incredible!" 

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." 

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel,  and was hardly out of breath. 

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" 

”No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Perth, Scotland, but I worked both sides of the river."

There was strong competition for the favours of saucy Mary of Dunoon. It came as a very great shock to one of her young men, who thought himself well in the running, to discover that she was flirting with another man. One day, on Dunoon Pier, he confronted her angrily. "Let me tell you this, Mary, I am not going to play second fiddle to anybody !" To which she replied. "Play second fiddle, Gordon. You will be very luck to be in the band at all." 

A highland drover was returning from a cattle market in England, where he had to sell his cattle too cheaply, a circumstance that deepened his hereditary dislike to the English. When passing through Carlisle, he observed a public notice that 50 pounds would be given to any one who would officiate as executioner in the case of a criminal lying at the time under sentence of death.

He at once volunteered, got the rogue hanged, and pocketed his fee. As he moved off, he was hooted and heckled at by the crowd as a beggarly Scot, who for money had done what no Englishman had stooped to do.

“ Give me the same money for each,” cried the drover. with a grin, “and I’ll be glad to hang all of you.”

A wealthy Lowland merchant, whom we shall call Meekin, though that was not his real name, and who had erected a chapel, known as Meekin’s Memorial Church, to the memory of his wife, took shootings in the Highlands, and one day by accident fired some of his shot into his Highland ghillie, wholly depriving him of the sight of one eye.

It was thought that, being wealthy, he would do
something handsome for the poor ghiliie ; but all he
did was to take him south and send him home with
a glass eye in place of the eye that had been destroyed. The dwellers in the glen were keenly interested, not to say amused, at the ghiilie’s glass eye, which came to be known amongst them as Meekin’s Memorial Window.

Nearly a hundred years ago there was a Laird of Combie who, whatever good qualities he had, could not number amongst them that of honesty. He was, indeed, notorious for the want of it. In the same district lived a Highland lady who was distinguished both for her probity and
benevolence, but was sadly lacking in good looks.

On one occasion when the Laird of Combie was (as
often happened ) one of the guests at a dinner party in the house, he rose, after several toasts had been
drunk, and said he would propose another, for which
he would ask the guests to fill their glasses. He then, with a twinkle in his eye implying that he was going to propose something witty, said, turning to the hostess,

“I propose the old Scottish toast, Honest men and bonnie lasses,’” and, bowing to the hostess, resumed his seat.

The lady returned his bow with her usual amiable smile, and taking up her glass, replied, “Well, Combie, I am sure we may both of us drink that, for it will neither apply to you nor to me.”

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