signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that
were discovered throughout the world.
a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If
you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the
next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when
a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each
one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by national order.
a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the
office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.
a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing
to hope for.
the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firms own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts
by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.
sign posted in Germanys Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different sex,
for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless
they are married with each other for that purpose.
a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the
lobby be used for this purpose.
an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by
the latest Methodists.
a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven
city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send
them in all directions.
the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit
to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.
a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but youll
find they are best in the long run.
a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.
a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously
at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle
him with vigor.
signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking /
Here speeching American.
tourist in a Scottish guest house was on his way to the bathroom
when the landlady stopped him and said, 'Have you got a good
memory for faces?'
'Yes,' he replied.
'That's just as well,' she said, 'because there's no mirror
in the bathroom.'
At an auction in Inveraray a wealthy American lost a wallet
containing over £10,000. He made an announcement about
his loss and added that he would give £100 to the finder.
From the back a clearly Scottish accent shouted, 'I'll give
a hundred and fifty.'
One morning in an English hotel breakfast room, a guest called
over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order
two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny,
and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some
rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter
that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have
a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."
The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot
serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"
not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"
As a jet was flying over Loch Ness on a clear day, the co-pilot
was providing his passengers with a running commentary about
landmarks over the PA system.
up on the right, you can see the Loch, which is a major tourist
attraction in northern Scotland. It was formed when a glacier
swept through this area during the Ice Age. "
the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just
missed the highway!"
on the road
A tourist stopped at a wee petrol station on the Isle of Skye,
and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft
drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched
a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig
a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man
came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging
a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the
old. The men worked right past the tourist with the soft drink
and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said
the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down
the road toward the men.
it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me
what's going on here with this digging?"
we work for the Skye Roads Department, " one of the men
one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you just wasting money?"
don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning
on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three
of us--me, Donald and Sandy. I dig the hole, Donald sticks in
the tree and Sandy here puts the dirt back."
piped up Sandy. "Now just because Donald's sick, that doesn't
mean we can't work, does it?"
men got out of their cars after they collided at on a narrow
Scottish road. One took a flask from his pocket and said to
the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container.
"Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back
the whisky. "Well, I'd rather not," said the first.
"At least not until after the police have been here."
A tourist is traveling with a guide through the remote Western
Highlands of Scotland, when he comes across an ancient castle.
The tourist is entranced by the castle, and asks the guide for
details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying
out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist
then queries how old the castle is.
castle is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this
replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the castle
was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"
Donald was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving
above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its blue
lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun
this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars
are racing down the A9 road to Inverness -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles
as his speedometer passes 100, Donald figures he had better
give up. He pulls over to the side of the road.
officer gets out of his police car and approaches the car. He
leans down and says "Listen Sir, I've had a really tough
day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll
let you go."
thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife
ran off with a policeman. When I saw your police car in my rear
view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you
were trying to give her back to me!"
An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered
about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met
a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone,"
he cried. "I've been lost for the last week."
"Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman.
"No," said the American.
"Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.
"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American.
"From the greatest country in the world," replied
"Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest
Scottish accent I've ever heard."
comments from US travel agents)
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so their hair wouldn't get
messed up from being near the window.
client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper
to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started
to explain the length of the flight and the passport information
when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look
stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response
man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked
what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
"Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very
got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England
from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close
on the map."
man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When
I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover
in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to
drive between the gates to save time."
nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead
of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time
zones.Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she
woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said,
"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in
with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT,
and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting
her on hold for a minute while I looked into it" (I was actually
laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno
is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination
tag on her luggage. I just got off the phone with a man who
asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what
exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number
is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of
those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola
on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
businessman called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't,
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four
times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago
to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the
town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and
can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted,
"Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew
it was a big animal!"
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